When you truly love someone, you love ALL of them, flaws included.
Under no circumstances do you get to take all of the good characteristics of an individual and leave the flaws behind. Nor do you love someone and try to mold them into the person you want them to be. That’s not how love works. You are to love that person as they are now, not what they could be over time.
Makes sense right?
Instead of searching for something that doesn’t exist, it would make more sense to look for someone that’s suitable for you. A person who will love and accept all of you, just as you would love and accept all of them. Both of you should bring out the best in one another while challenging each other to be the best version of themselves.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how love works.
For the last couple of days, I’ve had this clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air stuck in my head:
I have no idea why I’ve been singing that song, however, singing that song made something click. People have these moments all the time. You meet someone that looks and/or acts one way. You invest feelings and time with this person and see a possible relationship/friendship developing.
Cue the okey doke.
What you initially thought about that person starts to blur. Perhaps the physical thing(s) that drew you in was only temporary. That car may have been a rental or that big booty was a pair of butt pads. Or the behaviors that you thought were so redeeming were indeed a lie. Weekly volunteer work at the homeless shelter was not voluntary. In fact, it was part of their probation.
When the truth is revealed about the basement acquaintance, I’m sure you’ll be pissed. However, you can always watch the clip above and laugh the anger away.
“I’m stuck in a basement, sitting on a tricycle…”
On episode 8 of Season 3 of “Mary Mary”, Teddy informs his sister-in-law Erica that he doesn’t feel a need to hide out of shame because he had multiple affairs. Yes, multiple affairs.
My first thought upon watching that scene was that there isn’t enough prayer and/or scripture in the world to help me see past Teddy’s bullshit. I don’t think that Teddy is truly sorry for the affairs.
Watching him explain to Erica that he wanted to fight for his marriage had me rolling my eyes. There was no sincerity on his face whatsoever. I understand that some people don’t show emotions, but this ain’t the case.
What exactly is Teddy sorry for?
It damn sure isn’t those affairs. I don’t feel that he’s sorry for the multiple affairs he’s had. Case in point, if he was sorry about the affairs he was having, he wouldn’t have had multiple affairs.
It’s not the affairs that Teddy is sorry for. Teddy is sorry that he got caught. More specifically, he’s apologizing because his infidelities have become public knowledge.
An apology means absolutely nothing if it isn’t genuine. A lot of times, someone will apologize solely to save face. Make the other party feel that their apology is sincere when in reality, they don’t give a damn if their actions are hurtful.
What you hear doesn’t necessarily have the same meaning as the sender intended. You hear “I’m sorry for hurting you” when in actuality you’re hearing “I’m sorry for embarrassing you but not sorry for the specific things I did to hurt you.”
It takes two to care, remember?
Relationships involve a lot of give and take. You can’t expect everything to work out all the time without having to give up something to get something in return. That would be delusional.
If relationships are supposed to be 50/50, what happens in the event the scale is tipped?
Disagreements happen in relationships. It’s not going to be roses and sunshine all the time. That’s okay. On the other hand, some disagreements can be so bad, cracks form in the foundation you’ve worked so hard to build. In that moment you have two options:
1. Call it quits.
2. Fight for the relationship.
If the disagreement involves something that goes against your values , quitting is a viable option. Don’t stay in a relationship that you aren’t going to be happy with. Know when enough is enough.
If the foundation is worth repairing, by all means, fight for the relationship. Do what needs to be done to fix things. But there’s a catch. Both parties have to care about the relationship enough to fight for it. You cannot, I repeat, you cannot fight for something you don’t care about.
It takes one to tip the scale and two to care enough to balance it out.
This post is inspired by the following question that appeared on my Twitter timeline:
How do you deal with being cheated on?
My response? Leave.
There are some things that can be forgiven (e.g., forgetting a birthday, anniversary, paying the cable bill on time, etc). Cheating ain’t one of ’em.
For some, the logical decision to leave isn’t so clear-cut.
Trust is a hard thing to gain to begin with. It’s earned, not given by default to any ol’ body.
Once that trust is violated, it’s damn near impossible to get back. I can recall an instance where I knew that he was cheating but my heart wanted to stay.
It can work, I would tell myself. Now matter how hard I tried to make it work, there was no amount of forgiveness to make me forget.
I didn’t believe anything he said anymore. Questioned his whereabouts each time he came home. Raised an eyebrow anytime he used his phone. Made myself anxious worry about him instead of packing to leave. Anxiety is the byproduct of worrying. It wrecks havoc on your well-being. No amount of delusion can fix the damage that has been done.
When trust flees the scene, that’s your cue to leave as well.
I came home from work and saw a key on the coffee table. No note explaining why the key was there. As I looked around the living room, I noticed that his recliner was gone. Fearing the worst, I frantically checked each room for some sign of him. I found nothing.
I am not naive. I was aware that our relationship was on its last leg. In my mind, I had hoped that the relationship would end amicably.
There’s no change in Hell of that happening now.
Thinking back to that morning, his demeanor was so cold. He barely said anything to me.
I raked my brain trying to figure out what drove him to the point of leaving.
What did I say? What did I do?
A migraine later, I gave up. Nothing is going to change. He’s not coming back.
Love has abruptly departed.
There’s no reason to stay in a relationship when the love has waned. The decision to stay becomes a matter of obligation and obligation can easily manifest into resentment.
I remember the moment when my obligation to him became resentment. I blamed him for my unhappiness, yet my attempts to regain my happiness failed. I’d leave, but obligation had me coming back to the same old drama.
It took a couple attempts but I finally freed myself.
We were friends that spent years denying the underlying feelings between the two of us. Finally, after much consideration, we decided to go for it.
Embarking on this unfamiliar journey with him riddled me with anxiety. In theory, things could go splendidly and we’d live happily ever after. On the other hand, reality reminds me that there’s a 50% chance that we could crash and burn. Not to mention that once the relationship ended, the friendship could very well end too.
Our relationship endured some really tough times. Over time, I began to see him more as my friend than my lover. I couldn’t suppress how I felt about him any longer. He needed to know.
We’re better as friends than lovers.
He fought so hard for the relationship. Promised that we could make this work. It was too late, my heart had already checked out. In the end, the relationship doesn’t matter if the friendship suffers.
How can you expect me to be friends with you when I’m still in love with you?
I need to distance myself from you, including your family and friends. This is going to hurt us both but please understand that this has to happen.
There’s no doubt that I’ll always love you. I can’t just be your friend.
I can usually handle breakups. But this…this was awful. I was so far removed from myself. My emotional state was physically painful. Heartache sank into my bones. Tears were unrelenting. Blinking generated sharp pains in my eye sockets.
My days went on. Reminders of him were everywhere. His cologne tickled my nose when I opened the closet door. Sleeping in the middle of the bed was strange. I didn’t like this new normal.
I missed him.
I missed #Love.