Tagged: fear

Fuck It!

Absolutely nothing I’ve accomplished in my life came by playing it safe.

I’ve accomplished quite a bit in my life so far. I graduated college, got a good job, and moved into my dream apartment. As I checked each accomplishment off my list, I got comfortable and stopped adding goals to my list. I slowly lost touch with my ambitious side.

Fear told ambition to “step aside”.

Comfort is my worst enemy. Once comfort and fear set in, it becomes so difficult to escape their cold grip. I eventually became unhappy with my job.  Looking for a new job was frightening. Of the many, many jobs I found, there were a couple of positions I should have applied for. These positions were out of my comfort zone, which was good…and bad. I need to be shaken up, however, learning new skills after honing my existing skills for a decade was frightening.

What did I end up doing? I didn’t apply for any of the jobs. I was too scared to at least apply and  I’m still pissed at myself.  I was too scared to step on that ledge and take a risk.

That was my first wake up moment.

The second wake up moment came when I ran across the below video on Twitter. Ice T explains that in order for you to get where you want to be in life, sometimes you just have to say “F-ck It” and just take that risk. The situation can go one of two ways. You can fall on your face OR you can be successful. Isn’t that worth stepping on the ledge?

Hell yeah.

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Beautiful Sadness

Behind the dimpled smile

Past the contagious laughter

A flicker of sadness rests in her eyes.

Anxiety agitates her stomach

Stress dances on her spine

Pride won’t show it

Alone, she cries.

Fear and worry flow hot

Down her cheeks.

Weight slowly lifting

From her burdened shoulders.

A beautiful sadness revealed

A dimpled smile and contagious laughter.

But no amount of tears

Can remove that flicker of sadness from her eyes.

Beauty in Thunderstorms

Growing up, I was petrified of thunderstorms. The sky would turn this odd shade of color bluish grey. The birds would get all antsy. My

Thunderstorm

Thunderstorm (Photo credit: Jonathan Gill)

mother, anticipating bad weather, would start unplugging all of the appliances from the outlets.

The deep booms of the thunder made me flinch. Accented by the crackle and bright flashes of lightning, I would cover my face in fear. Waiting out the storm in silence felt like the clocks momentarily stopped.

My fear disappeared as I entered my early 20s.

I was living in a high-rise building, and the lights were already flickering. Storms with lightning and no thunder are the absolute WORST! Instead of sleeping during the storm, I was going to actually watch it.

With the blinds rolled up, I grabbed a glass and a seat on the floor and watched Mother Nature at work. I was amazed how at one moment, the sky reflected fear and despair. Those dark clouds would eventually give way to freshly washed earth and a possible rainbow. It was crazy that I had either slept this beauty way or covered my face in fear.

Thunderstorms remind me of those difficult times we all face. If we let go of the fear and anxiety that hold our spirits hostage, we can finally see the beauty in those thunderstorms.

Thankful: Journal #XD31

You hold all of my secrets, fears, random thoughts, and memories. When emotions become so heavy that sleep is no longer peaceful, I share all with you.

I keep you hidden. Others won’t understand the contents of your pages, judging what they see on the surface.

I’m thankful for the volumes that silently hold so much.

Trusting Instinct

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of writing…then backspace, backspace, backspace.

Second guessing myself has been an underlying theme of the #30In30 challenge. Ninety percent of me wants to share so much (good and bad) through this blog. The other 20% is screaming hells no ma’am” and I withdraw. Yes, I should shut up that 20% that’s holding me back, but I let it win every single time.

Not anymore.

This challenge is forcing me to bite the bullet, suck it up, shut up the naysayers. I have to trust my instinct. If I write it, stick with it. See it to the end. If I want to make it personal, so be it. It’s my blog, my life, right? Maybe I’ll feel better getting all of this “stuff” out of my head. Make room for some good stuff.

It’s going to be an interesting week *bites pen*.